Every now and then I see people on Facebook or Twitter announcing that they’ve purged their friends list of people they no longer talk to, they don’t like any more, etc.

In an effort to save time and effort, I’ve decided that you should take on that task yourselves.

In order to give you some guidance of whether you should delete me as a friend or not, I’ve drawn up some guidelines.

Delete me as a friend if:

1. You’ve voted for UKIP: Pretty straight forward, you’re a racist and you should probably throw yourself under a bus.

2. You think that spelling words in text form, even when not texting, is acceptable: I’m willing to concede that “text speak” had it’s place, once upon a time. Nowadays we’re not really held to the 160 character limit, so stop it.

3. You’ve reposted/retweeted anything from The Onion, and gone on about how outraged you are because you don’t understand sarcasm: You’re actually a fucking moron.

4. You’ve mocked someone for their musical taste is a serious way: Anyone is entitled to listen to whatever the fuck they want. Same goes for films.

5. You care about what I think and would take offence: You’re no friend of mine!

Get to it, people.