I started writing this post on November 17th last year. I have made you all wait for The Longest Time. FUCK YOU ALL IT WAS WORTH IT! The danger with this post is that we get way off target and start talking about how good An Innocent Man is. (It’s an amazing album). What we’re here to actually talk about is the video for fan fave, The Longest Time. There’s not enough Doo-Wop in the charts, amiright! I usually use this space to write about song facts and stuff, but honestly, I can’t be bothered.
So, without further ado(-wop) *smirks*, let’s get on with the fucking video. I suppose we should watch it first.
[00:00]: We fade in from black to find a large function hall. It’s the aftermath of a party. The class of 59 school reunion. Could be college. Who gives a shit. We pull in close to find Billy….. hang on… 59 is too long ago for Billy to have been at school. So, there’s definitely no realism in this! Billy is sat on a chair, backwards, obviously, he’s Billy Joel! The floor is full of paper decorations and rubbish. He’s whistling the song!
[00:14]: Don King sweeps up to him and asks him if he’s going to be much longer. I know it’s not Don King. Don’t @ me.
[00:18]: Billy responds in typical Billy Joel style. We pull in even closer to really get the full effect of the worst glasses anyone has ever worn.
[00:26]: Billy takes a look at the posters on the wall. Why there wasn’t a “Most Billy Joel” one, I don’t know.
[00:32]: Much to Billy’s surprise, a song kicks off. He looks around to see where the noise is coming from.
[00:35]: Three dudes appear walking down the stairs whilst doo-wopping. That’s a word.
[00:41]: Billy looks around… again. Apparently he turned away after seeing the guys the first time.
[00:42]: They’re still not in the room though. So we get to see them traverse a hallway.
[00:44]: All of a sudden, Billy knows what to do! He’s starts singing and throws his lit cigarette on the floor. A floor you’ll remember was littered with rubbish and paper decorations. THAT, people, is Billy Joel, most assuredly… starting a fire. WE didn’t start the fire, Billy, you’re right. YOU FUCKING DID!
[00:46]: The glasses are off, thank god. I’ve never seen one pair of glasses make someone look so fucking hideous. He seems to have picked a point in the distance to sing towards. Never really understood why he didn’t just sing to the camera. I mean… he’s singing ‘If YOU said goodbye…” Like it has a target, that line, so unless she’s stood over there, what the fuck is he looking at. Maybe the walls are trying to leave him. I would if he put those glasses back on.
[00:55]: Turns out he’s singing at the other guys, who now appear to be in front of him, when previous shots had eluded to them being at the side. Continuity! They “dance” there way into shot and surround Billy with the Doo Wop Semi Circle of Death. Billy escapes though by seemingly forgetting where the edge of the shot was and disappearing.
[01:07]: A pretty long shot here. Billy… I keep wanting to use the word dance, but I know that’s not what they’re doing. Billy… struts… down the table, which is now surrounded by the other guys who can apparently teleport. He gets to the end of the table where they gather together again. You guys know you were all just stood together over there *points*, you didn’t need to move. They click their fingers in one of the most sexually aggressive displays of finger clicking I’ve ever seen. We cut so that…
[01:33]: We can see the dude with the deep voice… didn’t suspect it was him… say The Longest Time. He clearly doesn’t know where the camera is. This video has a really strange relationship with the camera to be honest. Anyway. Let’s crack on.
[01:35]: There’s a couple of shots here but I’ve grouped them. THEY’RE ALL LOOKING AT SOMETHING DIFFERENT. One guy I think even has his eyes closed. So strange.
[01:41]: Billy…. whatevers… into a corridor followed by the guys. We get a close up of Billy singing to, I guess another wall before they gather closer together AGAIN and sing in the direction of something collectively for a change. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY LOOKING AT?!
[02:04]: WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED NOW?! THEY’VE GOT CHANGED?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?! NO! WAIT! THERE’S TWO GROUPS! IS THIS A DOO WOP OFF? I like to get my wop off, but then I usually fall asleep. BA DUM TISH! The original group starts down the corridor and enters a room
[02:27]: All of a sudden I guess there’s just the one group again? Billy, despite being in front of everyone in the previous shot is clearly the last person to arrive in the music room since every fucker else is already dicking about with the shit in there. Once again they all gather together. DID SOMEONE TIE BUNGIE CORD TO THEM ALL?!
[02:37]: Oh, I guess we didn’t get rid of the other group. Quick reminder that they’re there. Brilliant.
[02:39]: Forget about them again, back to group 1. I guess they got worn out pretending to click so now no one is even bothering. Good work, guys!
[02:50]: Quick jump cut and now Billy is on the stairs with the janitor from the start. Why he’s moved onto the stairs is anyone’s guess because he hadn’t finished that hall! It’s probably burnt to a fucking crisp now anyway. Despite the fact the guy is sweeping, Billy just sits down in the fucking way. What an asshole. The guys are back, and pick up Billy on the way.
[03:08]: We cut to the janitor again in front of the room he keeps all his boys in. I guess it’s not a secret.
[03:13]: Inside the boys room, Billy preps himself in the grebiest looking sink ever, before leaning on the door frame to watch 5 guys sing at each other next to some urinals. How sweet.
[03:23]: The janitor listens on.
[03:26]: Billy joins the guys by the urinals.
[03:38]: Now the janitor is doing the deep voice bit? Well, he starts to and then the door opens and he looks like he panics as all of a sudden they leave the bathroom, only it’s the other group again! They steal his broom and Billy touches him up before they all fuck off and the janitor gives us all a look of confusion LIKE WE AREN’T ALL ALREADY DOING THAT AT THE ENTIRE VIDEO!