I know, right. It just came to me. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON, CRISPS?! Went to buy some today on my way to work and Jesus Tittyfucking Arsecracking Elbowbending Christ. All I wanted was just a normal, standard sized, packet of crisps. Instead, I found the following.

1. Popcorn. POPCORN IS NOT CRISPS! I really don’t like popcorn so I’ve never worked out where the fuck it should be sold. The sweets aisle, I guess that’s where it should be. AND ONLY BE. Get it the fuck out of cinemas. “But this is savoury popcorn, Chris”. I really don’t care. Keep it the fuck away from me.

2. Vegetable Crisps. I mean, you can have a few points for going to the effort of putting crisps in the name, but get back in the veg aisle, you dirty impostor. If I wanted vegetables, I’d become a different person who tolerated them.

3. Popchips. You fine with me, Popchips, don’t go changing or trying to improve that flavour!

4. Crisps that aren’t made the way you make Crisps. I think this is the category where most of my issues lie. Cut some potatoes up, fry them, season them, put them in a bag for me to enjoy. That’s all I ask. “No, Chris, what we’ve done here is heated each slice of potato by vigorously rubbing it on the side of a badger strapped to a fan heater.”, but I don’t wa…”It’s healthier, Chris”. It doe… “Chris. It’s healthier”. I’m allergic to badgers tho… “Say no more, Chris. These ones aren’t even potato and they’ve been nowhere near a badger.” Well, what are they? “Chris! Don’t ask so many questions! These are the dried up skin of Nazim, our work experience kid from our Sahara Desert office. He lays in the desert under a duvet with Spongebob on with only his balls poking through, as his skin dries we peel it off and put it in bags. Chris, it’s healthier. It’s healthier, Chris. We promise you, Chris. It’s healthier”.

5. Chickpeas. I DON’T EVEN LIKE MEN’S PEE.

One thing I did eat once and genuinely really enjoy was “Giant Salted Sweetcorn”. Here’s the thing though. It knew what it was. It wasn’t with the crisps. It wasn’t pretending to be something it wasn’t. I fucking hate sweetcorn as well, but hot damn, that shit was fine. Right. Go away.

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