So, Heart’s power ballad classic, All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You, is a phenomenal song. I love it. It’s long been a fave of mine. I’ve spoken about it many times, not only as a great song, but as a song that is a perfect example of people not listening to the lyrics properly. Let’s break them down, shall we?!

It was a late night when he came into sight
Standing by the road, no umbrella, no coat

Right, straight off the bat it looks like Ann has found herself an idiot. Seems like it’s raining or there would be no need to mention that he didn’t have an umbrella. Unless Ann Wilson has a compulsion to point out when people don’t have umbrellas no matter what the weather is doing. The fact that it’s pointed out that he has no coat, coupled with apparent rain means it’s cold. So a guy out in the rain with no umbrella and no coat. Sounds like an idiot for me. He could well be homeless.

So I pulled up along side and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile so we drove for a while
I didn’t ask him his name, this lonely boy in the rain

Now, I know where this song is going, but there’s no real indication here that the idiot does. Ann knows what she wants, we’ll get to that, but you can only assume at this point that he just thinks he’s getting a lift.

Fate tell me it’s right, is this love at first sight
Please don’t make it wrong, just stay for the night

Who doesn’t love an idiot wandering by the roadside who’ll accept a lift from any random horny woman that pulls up along side him! We’re going to come back to this lyric at the end, as we need to know more but I’m conscious of spoilers! Actually, no, we can discuss it now given the couplet. So, is it LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? By the way you’re only staying the one night then I’m going to kick you the fuck out. IT WAS TOTES LOVE THOUGH!

All I want to do is make love to you
Say you will you want me too
All I want to do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold on to

Jesus, get a room Ann.

So we found this hotel

Bingo!

it was a place I knew well

Erm… How often are you doing this, Ann. It’s not every day you question how Promiscuous Ann Wilson of Heart is.

We made magic that night. Oh, he did everything right

Brilliant, I fucking love card tricks. Also, it’s key if you’re going to do magic that you get everything right, otherwise it’s just shit.

He brought the woman out of me, so many times, easily

What a plot twist! I didn’t see that coming. She’s a Russian Nesting Doll. Straight out of left field.

And in the morning when he woke all I left him was a note
I told him I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden we planted a tree

IS SHE A FUCKING SPY?! No need to be so cryptic, Ann. Unless she’s being literal. I don’t think landscaping is allowed in hotel rooms though. I mean, if you’re on the second floor, planting stuff is just straight out the window. None of it will take root. Ohhhhhhhhhh it’s our old friend metaphor. She just wanted to get knocked up! IT WAS TOTES LOVE THOUGH!

Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there

So, she wasn’t lying about the one night thing. IT WAS TOTES LOVE THOUGH. I CANNOT EMPHASISE THIS ENOUGH!

All I want to do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All want to do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold on to

Alright, Ann. We get the picture.

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers

What? Badly?

All night long
We made love

That poor bastard. Once would have been enough given her motives.

Then it happened one day, we came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise when he saw his own eyes

SHE STOLE HIS EYES! Although, if that had been the case, how would he have seen them. Surely, he’d have just seen his own blind self walk around a corner towards… himself. I really wish I hadn’t opened this door. If he could still see through them, he’d already have known she was around the corner… but then he wouldn’t have known where his body was. Unless his eyes had GPS or something. OMG MINDFUCK. Also, you’d have to imagine his surprise, you couldn’t fucking see it could you!

I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me
was the one little thing that you can

Well. If you just said this in front of everyone, Ann, I think you’ve given the game away. Also, I guess this is where we find out that her husband is firing blanks. Or maybe he just has no penis. He lost it. In a freak accident. With a cake mixer. Some people just can’t wait for those things to stop spinning! Before sticking their cock in? I think I forgot half way through writing this what the fuck I was talking about.

All I want to do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I want to do is make love to you
Come on, say you will, you want me too

ALRIGHT, ANN! WE GET IT.

All night long…

Party, karumba, fiesta, forever.