Recently I had my appraisal at work and obviously it went well, I’m ace, but it dawned on me that Alan doesn’t get the same back from me. It comes from above. So, I thought I’d write this.

I love my job and I occasionally love my boss.

Let me put that up there first, and centre. It’s important to know that before I start talking about the man himself. Thankfully, unlike something like Twitter, I’m not bound by how much I can write. I NEED the space for this one.

Alan Green is an odd man. Living by rules that he creates and refuses to break, he constantly finds himself in situations he’s not happy with, but only because of these self imposed rules. Let me give you a couple of examples.

“Thou Shalt Not Watch A Film With Subtitles And Eat At The Same Time”

A while ago, I lent him two films on Blu-Ray. These were The Raid, and The Raid 2. Now, these are two great films, especially if you like action, which Alan does. The problem arose when Alan sat down to watch ‘The Raid’ and eat his evening meal at the same time. Alan is incapable of eating and reading it would seem, which in itself isn’t that odd, many people wouldn’t like to eat and read at the same time. What’s the solution? Finish eating then watch the film? Perfect. Not in Alan’s world!

“Why didn’t you just finish eating and then watch it?” I quizzed him, “Because I can’t watch a film without eating” was the reply. Now, I know what you’re thinking, maybe his jaw powers his vision and constant movement of it is required for his eyes to work, but this isn’t the case.

Incidentally, whilst writing this, I quietly said “The Raid, what a film”. From his side of the office I heard him go “Stupid subtitles”.

So, with his eating whilst watching rule, it stands to reason that surely, he’d have to eat for the whole film. A meal doesn’t take as long as a film and therefore he’d naturally end up watching more whilst not eating, than he watched whilst eating.

I’ve made this….

It’s easy to see, from this professional looking chart, that there is vastly more time without food, than with. 81 minutes in this case.

He returned both films to me, having watched about 3 minutes of the first one and nothing more.

“Thou Shalt Not Drink, Stop Drinking, And Then Start Drinking Again”

Alan is a keen football fan. He loves it. He has a genuine passion for the sport. Despite all this, he supports Manchester United. Now, Alan likes nothing more than watching the football at the weekend and enjoying a nice cold beer. Who doesn’t like getting friends together and having a drink?!

Uh oh, the match starts at noon. Alan couldn’t possibly watch this live. It’s here where he falls foul of the rule above, but also a separate rule. “Thou Shalt Only Watch Football Whilst Drinking Beer”.

Alan is incapable of watching a football match without enjoying a beer. Now, because of these two rules working against each other, it means that if the football starts earlier in the day, he can’t watch it live because it would mean having a drink, stopping drinking, then starting drinking at night again. I’m not sure what his rules are surrounding evening drinking. If it’s the law that he has a drink after his evening meal (which will not be eaten whilst reading subtitles), I’ve no idea. So, in order to right this, he will record the football when it is live, and then watch it later in the day, so his drinking can be continuous. This brings with it it’s own set of problems however, as he then spends most of the day threatening people physical or emotional harm should they reveal the scoreline, and I spend my day getting my own way by threatening him with the notion that I’d tell him myself.