Q&A with Christopher.

So, I asked a bunch of people I know for questions that I could answer to fill the boredom I’m currently undergoing. I have some biscuits, I have my music, and now I have answers.

What should I have for dinner?

Food.

What is your favorite holiday?

Any one of those one day ones where the banks shut. Those are super handy and not at all annoying. They’re already overpaid, so what else can you give them? Yes! More time off.

What are you most passionate about and why?

I’m a big fan of pizza. If I could get a video game on a pizza, I’d be content. And… because it’s round, I don’t have to use a knife or fork, and because it’s the only food that you can adapt to suit your needs. If I went into a restaurant and said ‘I’d like a Mars bar on a piece of chicken’ you’d get funny looks. If you said ‘I want a Mars bar on a pizza’, people would just go ‘Hmm. This could be interesting’.

What’s your biggest regret?

Answering the door to Mormons.

Also, do you like anal sex?

I like that this started with ‘also’, like there was some prior knowledge that I’d once bummed a Mormon. Also, I need some context. Do you mean the act, or as a pizza topping? Neither.

Key question in anyone’s life: What’s your favourite Mean Girls quote?

“You go, Glen Coco!”.

What if I was the Mormon at your door?

Wow, specific. What if I wasn’t in? Too many variables.

What biscuits are you eating?

Fox’s Crunch Creams. 3.8g of fat per biscuit. 2.2 of which is saturates.

Why are most UK men short and you’re a fucking giant?

I wear high heels. Also, not all giants are solely focused on fucking.

How tall is a fucking giant? And who is he/she fucking?

I think to be a specifically ‘fucking’ giant, you have to be at least 7 feet tall. Also, at 7 feet tall, I’d imagine he/she is fucking whomever he/she damn well pleases.

What is the dimension of the earths core? Sorry diameter.

I have it on good authority that it’s exactly 7,981,721 slices of very burnt toast.

I meant do YOU like anal sex. Do you enjoy a well proportioned weiner up your bum?

To be honest, if I had to have a weiner up my bum I’d want it to be not very well proportioned. In terms of it being small. I like that my bum stays shut during the day.

Who is your favourite Bond villain? Bond girl? Bond incarnation?

The midget, Knick Knack would be the villain. “Plenty O’Toole, named after your father perhaps?” would be the girl. Selotape for Bond incarnation. Tee hee.

Would you rather be attacked by one horse sized duck, or a hundred duck sized horses?

A hundred duck sized horses. I’d tame them and turn them into my personal mini horse army. We’d attack at dawn. Probably just a biscuit factory at first. Maybe a ruckus with some Mormons.

Favourite X Factor judge?

That one that’s actually accomplished something with their life. You know, that one.

How do you take your tea? (If you don’t drink tea, you’re a heathen. full stop.)

Orally.

Which dead person would you love to share a chicken nugget happy meal (or just chips if they’re a veggie) with?

Given that they’re dead, I’d be impressed if they were still holding onto their food eating habits. Genghis Kahn. I’d have to see what effect a ‘Happy Meal’ had on a man that angry.

If you could remove one celebrity from the timeline, erasing all their previous work along with them, who would it be

Jesus.

what was I reading and how much therapy will I now need? Can I bill you?

You were reading this. You do need therapy, but you’ve needed it for as long as I’ve known you, so no, you can’t bill me as you were already mental!

Out of all our mutual acquaintances who hates me the most and why?

Probably Ryan. He seems to hate us all. He called me a filth poet. If Martin Scorsese made us, things would have been different.

If you could be a cartoon character from your childhood who and why?

Meep Meep! Because Meep fucking Meep! Roadrunner is the Godfather of cartoon characters.

What’s the difference between living and existing?

For me, if you don’t live all the words to Ice Ice Baby, by Vanilla Ice, then you’re merely existing. You’ve not truly lived until you’ve cooked an MC like a pound of bacon, or flowed like a harpoon, daily AND nightly. Some nights I refuse to go to bed until I’ve waxed a chump like a candle. It’s a state of mind.

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