[00:00] The video opens with some guards goose stepping along. We’re at the East German border, in the midst of the Cold War.
[00:05] Turns out that Elton John has parked in the middle of a public walkway, what a dick. Sitting in a car that couldn’t look more “Elton John”, he’s also managed to match his jacket and hat to the respective body and roof of the vehicle. So, Elton is there, looking more like a creepy stalker than anyone ever has whilst making absolutely no effort to hide what he’s doing, taking pictures of “Nikita” with a long lens. That’s Elton’s actual car by the way. Maybe he wants to say something, let’s get closer.
[00:10] One of the longer camera shots now as Elton begins to sing. “Hey Nikita is it cold?”. Seems pretty obvious to me, Elton. Wait, sorry, that’s obviously some of that hot snow laying all over the place.
[00:28] A quick zoom in on Nikita to see what she’s up to. Nothing. Just standing around. Good job we took a look.
[00:34] Back to Elton as he sings “Oh I saw you by the wall”. Being an 80s video, that means we’re now going to have to show her by the wall.
[00:38] Yep. There she is. By the wall.
[00:44] Back to Elton, so he can do his best Giraffe impression as he sings about her eyes looking like ice on fire. GO GO GADGET NECK! It sinks back into his jacket at the end of the lyric.
[00:50] Mentioned here eyes didn’t he! Quick camera shot of her eyes.
[00:55] Back to a long shot of Elton to presumably show that she’s still not noticed him. About 20 feet away. In a bright red car. Surrounded by snow.
[01:00] Now comes the most disappointing closing of an electric window ever. They couldn’t have just timed it so they both reached the top at the same time. More annoying than it should be.
[01:06] They roll up to the border crossing as the barrier comes down. Now, no car was seen leaving just before them, which means that the apparent policy of the use of the barrier here is to just leave it up all the time, unless someone wants to cross and then bring it down. Which is mental.
[01:11] Nikita appears from inside the checkpoint office and approaches the car. She mouths the word Passport so that we’re all now 100% that this is the border checkpoint. Everyone got that now?!
[01:18] Time for another amazing 80s trope of music videos. The “I’m now going to sing at your face” manoeuvre. You just stand there and I’ll sing at you. Which isn’t weird at all. He waits for the window to open to pass the passport to her, despite the fact he didn’t need to. Brace yourself for this….
[01:28] HIS FUCKING PASSPORT PHOTO WAS TAKEN RIGHT THERE AND THEN! Maybe it was just a hole in the page and we can just see through it to still see him sat in the car. One of my fave music video moments ever that.
[01:30] Despite this, she still feels the need to comically rub her chin like she’s actually unsure.
[01:34] Passport back to Elton, windows up. Off we go.
[01:40] Back to Nikita to watch him drive off. Presumably thinking “Did… did Elton John just sing in my face whilst I checked his weird fucking passport”.
[01:43] Quick CCTV blast!
[01:44] Guard Tower.
[01:46] Apparently Nikita is still at work.
[01:49] Oh god, it’s this dickhead again. Now he’s taken to spraying hearts on the floor to sing in her general direction, even though, given the lights, he probably has no idea if she’s even up there.
[01:53] Quick, show her…
[01:54] No! Wait. SHOW THE CCTV AGAIN!
[01:55] NO! FORGET THAT, BACK TO HER! WHY IS SHE LAUGHING AT A CCTV CAMERA!?
[01:57] Elton finishes the heart. No. Wait, there’s still a gap. We saw him point it at the floor, and we see he’s holding the can, but apparently he never bothered to press the button down.
[02:03] Back to her…
[02:05] No, wait, him! Someone really needs to like direct this video. They splash the lights on Elton and surprisingly he doesn’t melt like a witch or something. I always figured he would.
[02:12] DIRECTION! So, we’re back at the car as it pulls back up to the barrier again. That was up. To stop people. A different day, a different outfit.
[02:16] Once again, the pointless rolling down of the tiny window. He passes her his passport again as he continues to sing at her face.
[02:22] We then get one of the weirdest things that’s ever happened on film. It’s like she goes through about 41 emotions in the space of about 6 seconds. It’s like she can’t decide how she is supposed to look. And then, when you think it can’t get any weirder, someone starts operating her eyes like Snake Eyes Action Man.
[02:28] Quick cut back to Elton so he can get even more obvious with his stalkeryness.
[02:33] Fuck, the dude from Die Hard shows up to fuck up Elton’s day.
[02:35] He puts his fat thumb over Elton’s face and takes the passport from Nikita.
[02:36] He gives her the nod to fuck off, which she does after a sarcastic salute and a little side eye. She then wanders into the back to check the door for woodworm.
[02:45] Nikita has hung around in the doorway, so Elton continues to sing in her direction, not phased by Die Hard man. (He’s the guy that ends up with “Ho Ho Ho, Now I’ve Got A Machine Gun” written on him)
[02:48] Quick check on the woodworm, looks like we’re good.
[02:50] Die Hard guy thrusts the passport back on Elton and tells him he can’t come in. At least we think that’s what…
[02:55] Yep, that confirms it.
[02:56] He reverses and waves. Defeated. What the hell is he even doing crossing the border on a daily basis anyway!
[02:59] Still no woodworm.
[03:01] Now the longest shot of the video. Nikita looks more 80s than Elton. Imagine that. Here we get a few fantasy shots of them doing things together. Elton is clearly jealous of the… I guess some sort of Fez, that Nikita is wearing.
[03:26] Now they’re watching football. Watford to be precise.
[03:28] You can tell it’s a fantasy because Watford are winning.
[03:29] Turns out Elton has come in his Pinball Wizard stuff. Still trying to plug that for all it’s worth.
[03:32] Now some chess, because why not. Oh, she put the chess piece on his hat, how adorable.
[03:38] Now Elton is by himse… WHERE THE HELL DID SHE COME FROM!? UP HIS MOOMOO? A moomoo that I may add he is wearing with a baseball cap.
[03:42] We cut to Nikita’s face and she’s lost it again. I’ve no idea what she’s supposed to be doing, well, I do, but I’ve never seen anyone do it like that.
[03:46 – 04:42] I’ve lumped all this together since it’s just Elton… slides… Elton… Slides… Elton… video of Nikita Smiling… Elton… WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (That’s George Michael by the way if you’ve got amazing hearing like me).
What a fucking video.